I am so tired. I wake up and not long after, I just want to go back to bed. Unfortunately, I express my fatigue through anger. And it’s true that I’m angry. I hate being tired. I hate trying to function through a fog of exhaustion. And yet, I do. Everyday. And it’s been that way for a long time. And I’m angry about that. Why does it have to be so hard for me?! Why can’t I have the normal energy of every other 27 year old on earth? Why can’t I have at least a bit of it – considering I have 2 kids and a husband? I’m so tired of being……well, tired. I know there’s a Scripture that says something like God gives “rest for the weary.” But, is God going to babysit my children so I can go back to bed?
But, you know why I get angry? I can’t seem to do it all.
I hate admitting that I absolutely cannot take care of the kids and keep an immaculate house. I can’t do housework after the kids go to bed because Ryan and I need some time for us. I feel stretched and pulled millions of ways and I can’t do them all at the same time. If I try to do the house, one or both of the kids need something every 3 seconds. If I lay on the couch, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that the dishes have not been done.
The sunday school answer to all of this is that the house doesn’t matter. What matters is my children and that they are loved and that my husband feels loved. And while I agree with that, my house DOES matter to me. Yes, it’s true that playing with my children is more important than the smell starting to come out of the kitchen sink. But I also don’t want my children believing that their mother is their personal circus performer and is at their beck and call. I want a clean home. I also want my family to be loved. But, I struggle to find that balance…….. I’m so tired.
You know why we can’t do it all? Because then, we wouldn’t have a need for God. Where we leave off, He picks up. Where we fall short, He finishes. So, in this situation in my life God is just reminding me how much I need Him and how little I am without Him. And I’m ok with that.
God, I need the rest that You alone give to Your very weary children. Please help me with anger. Steal it from me because it is stealing my peace and joy. Help me to recognize it quickly before my family gets the brunt of it. Replace it with peace and love and make me realize that everything doesn’t need to be done in an instant. Give me an energy that comes from You. I am Yours – please fix me.
Some Scriptures I need to read today:
James 1:19-20 “…always be willing to listen and slow to speak, Do not become angry easily, because anger will not help you live the right kind of life God wants.”
Notes: ouch. That’s a slap in my face today.
Hebrews 4:3a “We who have believed are able to enter and have God’s rest.”
Notes: God, I believe. Help me to enter in to that rest.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 “He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.”
Notes: If you feel like I do, I pray that God’s brings you comfort in your life as well.